clifhaley

Joined November 02, 2020

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Submitted Stories

Daily Journal: June 16, 1998

Posted By clifhaley 6 days ago on Humor

https://www.clifhaley.me - The itch is getting really, really bad now but I’m too embarrassed to go to the doctor! I will DEFINITELY wash the next pair of underwear I buy from a guy on the street! I guess I’ve learned a few things, though. Namely, A) ‘Fruit of the LOAM’ is NOT a major brand, B) if […]
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Ricky Tango, Hawson’s Bovinery Hoof Rendering Floor Supervisor

Posted By clifhaley 13 days ago on Humor

https://www.clifhaley.me - Hi. My name is Ricky Tango. I work at Hawson’s Bovinery in Teet, TX. Here at Hawson’s Bovinery we do everything that can possibly be done with a cow, and all under one roof. We got a machine that shaves flank steak off the bone right next to a machine that makes genuine leather handbags, […]
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A Few Words on the Economy

Posted By clifhaley 20 days ago on Humor

https://api.follow.it - Originally published November 23, 2004
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the American economy lately. Specifically about that part of the American economy that involves my wallet, because that specific part has recently become what we in economic circles refer to as “empty.” There are a lot of economic factors that I could blame this on. Take Recession, for instance. I could easily blame my lack of money on Recession. “Recession,” I could easily say, “is causing me so much stress that I have to buy twice the amount of beer for relaxation purposes, and as a result, have far less money to spend on more important things like rent or liver transplants.” So I sat down the other day and came up with a few ideas on how we can “stimulate the economy” by increasing consumer activity across a broad spectrum of the economic landscape and possibly robbing people at gunpoint.
My first idea is that everyone should invest in the stock market. Granted, the stock market has recently been closing at numbers well below the temperature levels of planets in the outer reaches of the solar system, but this is mainly because of what economists refer to as “@&$%# Enron!” You should take a large chunk of your annual income and invest it in a bunch of stock. You should do this because you make more money than me. My annual income couldn’t support an investment into a box of saltine crackers.
Investing in the stock market in these modern computer-driven days is so easy that even the average Joe can do it, which is probably why the economy is in such poor shape to begin with. People named Joe shouldn’t be allowed to invest in the stock market. People named Joe should be required to consult Financial Advisors, because Financial Advisors usually have very business-like names such as Richard or Edward and are very good at manipulating money whereas most people named Joe are usually only fairly adequate at manipulating the controls on the Tilt-O-Whirl where they work.
Another way to bring the economy up to speed is to buy everything you see advertised on television. There are many fine products available to the consumer on television these days ranging from devices that, by sending jolts of electricity directly into your abdominal muscles, can turn them into firm, healthy, spastic knots the size of pellet gun ammunition to devices that can cook a fully grown manatee in under five minutes. These are actually the same device.
One particular product I find to be highly enticing is the Flat Hose, which is a water hose that when not in use becomes flat so that it is easy to roll up. I think buying a couple of these would do wonders to stimulate the economy especially if we used them to tie up Allan Greenspan and said to him in a very calm but serious manner, “Now stimulate the economy dammit or we’re going to inject you full of Epil Stop Hair Remover!”
And this brings me, via no legitimate segue what-so-ever, to my next idea which is getting involved in internet porn. I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been receiving a lot of unsolicited advertisements for pornographic websites in my email account, specifically my MSN Hotmail account. Sometimes I’ll receive upwards of twenty-five emails a day from guys like HumpyMcGroin@forwardthrust.com or gals like MissMassiveBigOnes@brothelworld.net with subject headings similar to “!!!CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBTS NOW AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT CHECK OUT SOME FREE PORN FOR ONLY $34.95 A MONTH AT WWW.UNSANITARY-UNDRESSED-NAKED-PEOPLE-DOING-NEARLY-CRIMINAL-ACTS.COM!!!” Apparently, the economy is being very nice to the internet porn industry. Maybe the government should sponsor its own internet porn site featuring sultry, seductive, lurid, glamorous nude photos of, let’s say, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.
In conclusion, I would like to say that surely you can see here that I have put forth quite a number of feasible actions we might take in order to revive our stagnant economy and that, in addition, I obviously have absolutely no idea of how the economy actually works. I blame this on Recession.
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“Gourmet” Sandwiches

Posted By clifhaley 26 days ago on Humor

https://www.clifhaley.me - Originally published November 18, 2004 I just had Subway for lunch and I was once again surprised at how much it didn’t suck. I was never really a big fan of Subway sandwiches back before their big make over; before they decided to sell meats made from animals that actually exist in nature and offer […]
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"Gourmet” Sandwiches

Posted By clifhaley 27 days ago on Humor

https://api.follow.it - Originally published November 18, 2004
I just had Subway for lunch and I was once again surprised at how much it didn’t suck.
I was never really a big fan of Subway sandwiches back before their big make over; before they decided to sell meats made from animals that actually exist in nature and offer more than one flavor of bread. Remember the OLD Subway with that one limp roll of bread and the cold cuts of meat-ish product that you could ball up and bounce off walls? Well, take it from me, the NEW AND IMPROVED Subway is MUCH better. So I’ve been eating of this new Subway for a couple of weeks now and have been quite pleased.
My favorite sub shop here in town (being Austin, Texas) is Delaware Subs. Delaware Subs offers gigantic sandwiches crafted from AUTHENTIC east coast recipes. They even offer these tiny little over-priced sugar infused cupcakes called Tasty Cakes that, apparently, only grow naturally “up North.” These little cupcakes are so rich in sugar they can rot an elephant tusk from twenty-five feet away.
I do like sub sandwiches. If I had to rank the sub shops here in Austin from what I would eat first to what I would eat last, I would have to say. . .

Delaware Subs.
Quizno’s.
Subway.
A heaping wheelbarrow full of mammal feces.
Thundercloud Subs.

As you have probably gathered from the above ranking, I am not a huge fan of Thundercloud Subs. Nope. They are absolutely the worst. The strange thing, though, is that they are incredibly popular here. I don’t understand why. . .
Thundercloud Subs are small, over-priced, made from substances that barely pass as meat and more often probably pass as stones or polyps, and their shops are staffed by hippies. And by hippies I mean hirsute men and women who travel in visible hazes of body odor and patchulli and very rarely take the time to pluck various insects and wildlife from their dreadlocks, not your typical modern day hippie who doesn’t even have a job.
And now even 7-11 has gotten into the sub sandwich business offering sandwiches made from, and they really say this, “gourmet” meats and breads, which makes me wonder: Who stood by and let 7-11 bend “gourmet” over a barrell and rape the meaning out of it? Why, back in my day, you couldn’t even use the word “gourmet” in a sentence unless you had an off shore bank account and at least ten servants just to pick your nose for you. Boy, those were the days!
UPDATE 2021: Since this was originally written back in 2004 Delaware Subs’ quality has gone downhill faster than an overweight manatee on a skateboard. Their former greatness has been usurped by the far superior Tucci’s Southside Subs.
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Things Websites Need to Stop Doing

Posted By clifhaley 75 days ago on Humor

https://api.follow.it - Below is a list of things websites need to stop doing immediately…

Putting important information and links in the footer on a site with infinite scrolling so that the only way you can ever get to it is to view source and directly copy the URLs.
Having a “support” system that is nothing but a bottomless FAQ pit of useless or outdated information with contact info that is virtually impossible to find. PayPal is notorious for this. Virtually every time I’ve had to use PayPal’s “support” system to figure out how to do something (usually cancelling recurring payments) the information  has not been updated after recent site updates so that either many of the links / pages it says to go to either no longer exist or have moved. Often (more often than should be allowed by a loving God) pages PayPal links to in their support documents are COMPLETELY GONE.
Utilizing incompetent AI chatbots. If you don’t have a live human available, get rid of the online chat option entirely.
Requiring a credit card for free trials. I get why sites do this (they’re evil) but they really need to stop.

The SaaS (Software as a Service) business model needs to f*&%ing die. This is the single worst thing to happen to software since the Atari 2600 E.T. video game.
Asking me if I want to receive their obnoxious notifications. You want to have an email newsletter sign up form? Great! You want to randomly invade my browser with updates no matter where I am on the web? Nope.

 
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My Wife Tried to Kill Me with Progresso Spicy Jambalya Soup [REVIEW?]

Posted By clifhaley 76 days ago on Humor

https://api.follow.it - Beware. This soup is so hot it could burst into flame at any moment.
I think my wife is trying to kill me. That is the only explanation I can think of as to why she would inflict upon me such pain as is found in Progresso Spicy Jambalya Soup. The really cruel part of this horrendously hot soup is that it tastes really damn good. I couldn’t stop spooning it into my agonized mouth.
I like spice, but typically when you see a “spicy” version of something that isn’t normally spicy such as Progresso Soup you can expect the spiciness to be rather mild so as not to traumatize normal consumers. This jambalya doesn’t care one bit about normal consumers. It hates normal consumers. It wants to burn their faces completely off. Long story short, I loved it.
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