The simple 30 minute morning routine that changed Ed Mountaineer's life.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1113 days ago on Humor
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[...]
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"Gourmet” Sandwiches
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Originally published November 18, 2004
I just had Subway for lunch and I was once again surprised at how much it didn’t suck.
I was never really a big fan of Subway sandwiches back before their big make over; before they decided to sell meats made from animals that actually exist in nature and offer more than one flavor of bread. Remember the OLD Subway with that one limp roll of bread and the cold cuts of meat-ish product that you could ball up and bounce off walls? Well, take it from me, the NEW AND IMPROVED Subway is MUCH better. So I’ve been eating of this new Subway for a couple of weeks now and have been quite pleased.
My favorite sub shop here in town (being Austin, Texas) is Delaware Subs. Delaware Subs offers gigantic sandwiches crafted from AUTHENTIC east coast recipes. They even offer these tiny little over-priced sugar infused cupcakes called Tasty Cakes that, apparently, only grow naturally “up North.” These little cupcakes are so rich in sugar they can rot an elephant tusk from twenty-five feet away.
I do like sub sandwiches. If I had to rank the sub shops here in Austin from what I would eat first to what I would eat last, I would have to say. . .
Delaware Subs.
Quizno’s.
Subway.
A heaping wheelbarrow full of mammal feces.
Thundercloud Subs.
As you have probably gathered from the above ranking, I am not a huge fan of Thundercloud Subs. Nope. They are absolutely the worst. The strange thing, though, is that they are incredibly popular here. I don’t understand why. . .
Thundercloud Subs are small, over-priced, made from substances that barely pass as meat and more often probably pass as stones or polyps, and their shops are staffed by hippies. And by hippies I mean hirsute men and women who travel in visible hazes of body odor and patchulli and very rarely take the time to pluck various insects and wildlife from their dreadlocks, not your typical modern day hippie who doesn’t even have a job.
And now even 7-11 has gotten into the sub sandwich business offering sandwiches made from, and they really say this, “gourmet” meats and breads, which makes me wonder: Who stood by and let 7-11 bend “gourmet” over a barrell and rape the meaning out of it? Why, back in my day, you couldn’t even use the word “gourmet” in a sentence unless you had an off shore bank account and at least ten servants just to pick your nose for you. Boy, those were the days!
UPDATE 2021: Since this was originally written back in 2004 Delaware Subs’ quality has gone downhill faster than an overweight manatee on a skateboard. Their former greatness has been usurped by the far superior Tucci’s Southside Subs.
The post “Gourmet” Sandwiches appeared first on Clif Haley.
I just had Subway for lunch and I was once again surprised at how much it didn’t suck.
I was never really a big fan of Subway sandwiches back before their big make over; before they decided to sell meats made from animals that actually exist in nature and offer more than one flavor of bread. Remember the OLD Subway with that one limp roll of bread and the cold cuts of meat-ish product that you could ball up and bounce off walls? Well, take it from me, the NEW AND IMPROVED Subway is MUCH better. So I’ve been eating of this new Subway for a couple of weeks now and have been quite pleased.
My favorite sub shop here in town (being Austin, Texas) is Delaware Subs. Delaware Subs offers gigantic sandwiches crafted from AUTHENTIC east coast recipes. They even offer these tiny little over-priced sugar infused cupcakes called Tasty Cakes that, apparently, only grow naturally “up North.” These little cupcakes are so rich in sugar they can rot an elephant tusk from twenty-five feet away.
I do like sub sandwiches. If I had to rank the sub shops here in Austin from what I would eat first to what I would eat last, I would have to say. . .
Delaware Subs.
Quizno’s.
Subway.
A heaping wheelbarrow full of mammal feces.
Thundercloud Subs.
As you have probably gathered from the above ranking, I am not a huge fan of Thundercloud Subs. Nope. They are absolutely the worst. The strange thing, though, is that they are incredibly popular here. I don’t understand why. . .
Thundercloud Subs are small, over-priced, made from substances that barely pass as meat and more often probably pass as stones or polyps, and their shops are staffed by hippies. And by hippies I mean hirsute men and women who travel in visible hazes of body odor and patchulli and very rarely take the time to pluck various insects and wildlife from their dreadlocks, not your typical modern day hippie who doesn’t even have a job.
And now even 7-11 has gotten into the sub sandwich business offering sandwiches made from, and they really say this, “gourmet” meats and breads, which makes me wonder: Who stood by and let 7-11 bend “gourmet” over a barrell and rape the meaning out of it? Why, back in my day, you couldn’t even use the word “gourmet” in a sentence unless you had an off shore bank account and at least ten servants just to pick your nose for you. Boy, those were the days!
UPDATE 2021: Since this was originally written back in 2004 Delaware Subs’ quality has gone downhill faster than an overweight manatee on a skateboard. Their former greatness has been usurped by the far superior Tucci’s Southside Subs.
The post “Gourmet” Sandwiches appeared first on Clif Haley.
Alien civilizations died because of tech advances. Are we next? Not if we get dumber.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1209 days ago on Humor
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Click to save our world. [...]
Join 436 Trillion Readers Now.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1410 days ago on Humor
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IBR readership increases to 436 trillion. [...]
This is Why “Fair Warning” is Van Halen’s Best Album
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The post This is Why “Fair Warning” is Van Halen’s Best Album appeared first on Clif Haley.
The History of Potato
Posted By WorldFoodStory 1655 days ago on Humor
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The potato is now the fourth most important food crop on our planet, behind rice, wheat and corn. It is present and a favourite in all cuisines around the world, prepared in various forms and in every conceivable way. However, potato is a plant from the New World, completely unknown in Europe, Asia and Africa...
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The post The History of Potato appeared first on World Food Story.
I Deactivated My Twitter Account and Here’s What Happened (How’s That for a Shitty Clickbait Title?!)
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Twitter is a hellscape of people hell bent on making the worst parts of humanity – which are fewer than Twitter users would have you think – the only parts that ever get discussed or highlighted. Twitter is nothing but a derby race of people on thoroughbred high horses lobbing barely clever snipes and witless holier-than-thou comments at one another for sport. It’s a fan club for those who idolize outrage. You don’t like Trump? Sure, I get it. You do like Trump? Guess what, I get that, too. But is there anything…anything at all…more interesting to you beyond your political tastes? If not, then you’re a problem for society. You are not an “activist”. You are not “making a difference”. You are wasting your valuable time on th
“Gourmet” Sandwiches
https://www.clifhaley.me -
Originally published November 18, 2004 I just had Subway for lunch and I was once again surprised at how much it didn’t suck. I was never really a big fan of Subway sandwiches back before their big make over; before they decided to sell meats made from animals that actually exist in nature and offer […]
The post “Gourmet” Sandwiches appeared first on Clif Haley.
The post “Gourmet” Sandwiches appeared first on Clif Haley.
Jamming on The Noisy Mushroom (Bugera 6260 Amp + Fender 1×12 Cabinet)
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A short little jam on my new-to-me Bugera 6260 amp I bought from a buddy of mine. It’s running through a small Fender 1×12 cabinet. Because the amp head is so big that it overhangs the small cabinet when placed on top I call it The Noisy Mushroom. Bugera Amps: https://amzn.to/2MKVSGi Fender 1×12: https://amzn.to/2LdVRKy
The post Jamming on The Noisy Mushroom (Bugera 6260 Amp + Fender 1×12 Cabinet) appeared first on Clif Haley.
The post Jamming on The Noisy Mushroom (Bugera 6260 Amp + Fender 1×12 Cabinet) appeared first on Clif Haley.
BREAKING: "Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement
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An announcement by the Scientific Coalition on Universal Measurements (SCUM) to adopt “golf ball-sized hailstone” as an official scientific unit of measurement shook the scientific community to its core* today. I sat down with SCUM’s director, Dr. Winston Tugshaft, to learn more.
ME: Based on this new development, how large would you say this rock I found outside is?
DR. TUGSHAFT: Roughly the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone.
ME: Interesting. And what about this?
DR. TUGSHAFT: What is that?
ME: It’s a golf ball.
DR. TUGSHAFT: That appears to be about the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone, but more precise observations could tell us more.
As one might expect, the meteorology community couldn’t be happier. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Dr. Patricia Thirp, head of Marginal Accuracy at the Meteorology Institute of Lower Gruntsville, Texas. “We’ve been going on about golf ball-sized hail for decades. It’s nice to finally see the greater scientific community finally catch on.” When asked if she was surprised at the recent development she stated, “I figured there was a 30% chance of it happening today, with maybe a 20% chance of it happening tomorrow.”
Someone more cynical than myself might merely see this as SCUM’s attempt to keep up with NASA which recently declared “yay high” as its new official measurement of distance; however, in this reporter’s eyes I see only the ongoing and inspiring advancement of our scientific understanding of the universe at an ever-increasing rate**.
*A dense ball of molten pocket protectors roughly the size of 4 trillion golf ball-sized hailstones.
**Technically, 18 quadrillion blinks-of-an-eye per decade.
The post BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement appeared first on Clif Haley.
ME: Based on this new development, how large would you say this rock I found outside is?
DR. TUGSHAFT: Roughly the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone.
ME: Interesting. And what about this?
DR. TUGSHAFT: What is that?
ME: It’s a golf ball.
DR. TUGSHAFT: That appears to be about the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone, but more precise observations could tell us more.
As one might expect, the meteorology community couldn’t be happier. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Dr. Patricia Thirp, head of Marginal Accuracy at the Meteorology Institute of Lower Gruntsville, Texas. “We’ve been going on about golf ball-sized hail for decades. It’s nice to finally see the greater scientific community finally catch on.” When asked if she was surprised at the recent development she stated, “I figured there was a 30% chance of it happening today, with maybe a 20% chance of it happening tomorrow.”
Someone more cynical than myself might merely see this as SCUM’s attempt to keep up with NASA which recently declared “yay high” as its new official measurement of distance; however, in this reporter’s eyes I see only the ongoing and inspiring advancement of our scientific understanding of the universe at an ever-increasing rate**.
*A dense ball of molten pocket protectors roughly the size of 4 trillion golf ball-sized hailstones.
**Technically, 18 quadrillion blinks-of-an-eye per decade.
The post BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement appeared first on Clif Haley.
11 new coronavirus symptoms you need to look out for.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1390 days ago on Humor
https://www.intergalacticbiz.com -
Don't worry. We made these up. [...]
I’m a Male Model!
https://clifhaley.me -
It’s the last thing I ever expected to be, and probably won’t be again anytime soon, but here’s what happened… My buddy and screenplay writing partner Patrick Byrd is a professional photographer. He’s most recently been contracted by Roxor Eyewear to produce lifestyle photographs…basically, photos of people doing interesting things while wearing Roxor sunglasses, which are optimized for outdoor and sporting activities. So Patrick hired a few pro models for the gig and clicked off a few hundred shots. Roxor loved the images, but said for the next shoot – a water themed shoot – they wanted someone who looked more like a regular guy than a model. Patrick showed them a clip of some on-camera work I’d done for FramesDirect.com and they thou
A Few Words on the Economy
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Originally published November 23, 2004
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the American economy lately. Specifically about that part of the American economy that involves my wallet, because that specific part has recently become what we in economic circles refer to as “empty.” There are a lot of economic factors that I could blame this on. Take Recession, for instance. I could easily blame my lack of money on Recession. “Recession,” I could easily say, “is causing me so much stress that I have to buy twice the amount of beer for relaxation purposes, and as a result, have far less money to spend on more important things like rent or liver transplants.” So I sat down the other day and came up with a few ideas on how we can “stimulate the economy” by increasing consumer activity across a broad spectrum of the economic landscape and possibly robbing people at gunpoint.
My first idea is that everyone should invest in the stock market. Granted, the stock market has recently been closing at numbers well below the temperature levels of planets in the outer reaches of the solar system, but this is mainly because of what economists refer to as “@&$%# Enron!” You should take a large chunk of your annual income and invest it in a bunch of stock. You should do this because you make more money than me. My annual income couldn’t support an investment into a box of saltine crackers.
Investing in the stock market in these modern computer-driven days is so easy that even the average Joe can do it, which is probably why the economy is in such poor shape to begin with. People named Joe shouldn’t be allowed to invest in the stock market. People named Joe should be required to consult Financial Advisors, because Financial Advisors usually have very business-like names such as Richard or Edward and are very good at manipulating money whereas most people named Joe are usually only fairly adequate at manipulating the controls on the Tilt-O-Whirl where they work.
Another way to bring the economy up to speed is to buy everything you see advertised on television. There are many fine products available to the consumer on television these days ranging from devices that, by sending jolts of electricity directly into your abdominal muscles, can turn them into firm, healthy, spastic knots the size of pellet gun ammunition to devices that can cook a fully grown manatee in under five minutes. These are actually the same device.
One particular product I find to be highly enticing is the Flat Hose, which is a water hose that when not in use becomes flat so that it is easy to roll up. I think buying a couple of these would do wonders to stimulate the economy especially if we used them to tie up Allan Greenspan and said to him in a very calm but serious manner, “Now stimulate the economy dammit or we’re going to inject you full of Epil Stop Hair Remover!”
And this brings me, via no legitimate segue what-so-ever, to my next idea which is getting involved in internet porn. I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been receiving a lot of unsolicited advertisements for pornographic websites in my email account, specifically my MSN Hotmail account. Sometimes I’ll receive upwards of twenty-five emails a day from guys like [email protected] or gals like [email protected] with subject headings similar to “!!!CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBTS NOW AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT CHECK OUT SOME FREE PORN FOR ONLY $34.95 A MONTH AT WWW.UNSANITARY-UNDRESSED-NAKED-PEOPLE-DOING-NEARLY-CRIMINAL-ACTS.COM!!!” Apparently, the economy is being very nice to the internet porn industry. Maybe the government should sponsor its own internet porn site featuring sultry, seductive, lurid, glamorous nude photos of, let’s say, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.
In conclusion, I would like to say that surely you can see here that I have put forth quite a number of feasible actions we might take in order to revive our stagnant economy and that, in addition, I obviously have absolutely no idea of how the economy actually works. I blame this on Recession.
The post A Few Words on the Economy appeared first on Clif Haley.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the American economy lately. Specifically about that part of the American economy that involves my wallet, because that specific part has recently become what we in economic circles refer to as “empty.” There are a lot of economic factors that I could blame this on. Take Recession, for instance. I could easily blame my lack of money on Recession. “Recession,” I could easily say, “is causing me so much stress that I have to buy twice the amount of beer for relaxation purposes, and as a result, have far less money to spend on more important things like rent or liver transplants.” So I sat down the other day and came up with a few ideas on how we can “stimulate the economy” by increasing consumer activity across a broad spectrum of the economic landscape and possibly robbing people at gunpoint.
My first idea is that everyone should invest in the stock market. Granted, the stock market has recently been closing at numbers well below the temperature levels of planets in the outer reaches of the solar system, but this is mainly because of what economists refer to as “@&$%# Enron!” You should take a large chunk of your annual income and invest it in a bunch of stock. You should do this because you make more money than me. My annual income couldn’t support an investment into a box of saltine crackers.
Investing in the stock market in these modern computer-driven days is so easy that even the average Joe can do it, which is probably why the economy is in such poor shape to begin with. People named Joe shouldn’t be allowed to invest in the stock market. People named Joe should be required to consult Financial Advisors, because Financial Advisors usually have very business-like names such as Richard or Edward and are very good at manipulating money whereas most people named Joe are usually only fairly adequate at manipulating the controls on the Tilt-O-Whirl where they work.
Another way to bring the economy up to speed is to buy everything you see advertised on television. There are many fine products available to the consumer on television these days ranging from devices that, by sending jolts of electricity directly into your abdominal muscles, can turn them into firm, healthy, spastic knots the size of pellet gun ammunition to devices that can cook a fully grown manatee in under five minutes. These are actually the same device.
One particular product I find to be highly enticing is the Flat Hose, which is a water hose that when not in use becomes flat so that it is easy to roll up. I think buying a couple of these would do wonders to stimulate the economy especially if we used them to tie up Allan Greenspan and said to him in a very calm but serious manner, “Now stimulate the economy dammit or we’re going to inject you full of Epil Stop Hair Remover!”
And this brings me, via no legitimate segue what-so-ever, to my next idea which is getting involved in internet porn. I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been receiving a lot of unsolicited advertisements for pornographic websites in my email account, specifically my MSN Hotmail account. Sometimes I’ll receive upwards of twenty-five emails a day from guys like [email protected] or gals like [email protected] with subject headings similar to “!!!CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBTS NOW AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT CHECK OUT SOME FREE PORN FOR ONLY $34.95 A MONTH AT WWW.UNSANITARY-UNDRESSED-NAKED-PEOPLE-DOING-NEARLY-CRIMINAL-ACTS.COM!!!” Apparently, the economy is being very nice to the internet porn industry. Maybe the government should sponsor its own internet porn site featuring sultry, seductive, lurid, glamorous nude photos of, let’s say, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.
In conclusion, I would like to say that surely you can see here that I have put forth quite a number of feasible actions we might take in order to revive our stagnant economy and that, in addition, I obviously have absolutely no idea of how the economy actually works. I blame this on Recession.
The post A Few Words on the Economy appeared first on Clif Haley.
How to Make Slightly Less Lethal Ramen
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Like you, my favorite food in the entire world is ramen (from the ancient Japanese word “ramen” meaning “more sodium per teaspoon than an entire livestock salt block”). Unfortunately, like almost every delicious thing humans actually enjoy eating, it is extremely unhealthy for you when consumed in its most popular form: pre-packaged block of ramen with a “flavor packet” of dehydrated broth dust and enough salt to tan several mammoth hides. Good news for all you ramen loving folks* because I (e.g. my wife) have devised a way to make ramen kinda, sorta from scratch at home that is far healthier than the pre-packaged alternative which is known to sometimes cause heart attacks to occur in anyone standing within a three foot radius of a single pack. Also g
BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement
https://www.clifhaley.me -
An announcement by the Scientific Coalition on Universal Measurements (SCUM) to adopt “golf ball-sized hailstone” as an official scientific unit of measurement shook the scientific community to its core* today. I sat down with SCUM’s director, Dr. Winston Tugshaft, to learn more. ME: Based on this new development, how large would you say this rock […]
The post BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement appeared first on Clif Haley.
The post BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement appeared first on Clif Haley.
Will Coronavirus cases reach 4 billion per day? We answer all your questions.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1360 days ago on Humor
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Click to survive... [...]
Hey, the Onion... Here's our trash.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1175 days ago on Humor
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Click for our garbage... [...]
10 UNBELIEVEABLE Facts About America
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#1 If you turn off the lights and say “Murica!” three times, when you turn the lights back on, Thomas Jefferson will appear and present you with a coupon for $5 off at the nearest Cracker Barrel restaurant (only one per patriot allowed.) #2 While fireworks may have been invented by the Chinese in the […]
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The post 10 UNBELIEVEABLE Facts About America appeared first on Clif Haley.
The absolute best way to cook Brussels sprouts
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1320 days ago on Humor
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Click to change your life forever... [...]
My Arm Felt Like an ATM Fell on it After My Second Dose of the Moderna COVID Vaccine
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I think I got off fairly easy from my 2nd dose of the Moderna COVID vaccine. Other than a nagging headache I just had some pretty bad pain in my arm. Felt like an ATM fell on it the next day. Not a modern-day lightweight ATM, but one of those sturdy, old ATMs powered by […]
The post My Arm Felt Like an ATM Fell on it After My Second Dose of the Moderna COVID Vaccine appeared first on Clif Haley.
The post My Arm Felt Like an ATM Fell on it After My Second Dose of the Moderna COVID Vaccine appeared first on Clif Haley.